I hadn't planned to write this post today or at all for that matter but it is my blog I can write on it when I please and sometimes it is better not to stick to a schedule. Over the past few weeks I have gone through a major rough patch with my health, personal life, finances and just about everything really. My blog and Instagram portray a completely different image than what is actually going on, I don't like to focus on negativity as I don't see much point on dwelling on it. However as much as I don't like dwelling on it I also think sometimes writing about it can help as it ok not be ok.
I try my best not to hide what is going on my health but I also don't want to shout about it isn't something that is easy to discuss. Last year my life completely changed with a matter of a week, I couldn't get out of bed, I slept for the majority of the day, I didn't eat sometimes at all and my weight just dropped off me. Naturally I am very petite in my frame and range from a size 6/8 but my clothes were just hanging off me I looked terrible my wrists looked like they could have snapped at any second. My weight does fluctuate on it's own but I knew something just wasn't right and months went on with so many doctors and hospital appointments we got to the bottom of it. Only after being admitted to hospital because of the amount of sheer pain I was in did we get to the bottom of it, I do have a lifetime chronic digestive disease and it knocked me off my feet for the better part of 11 months in 2013. I felt like a complete and utter failure, I had only just graduated and the job I had worked so hard for I was no longer well enough to do and it made so ashamed. I am a quite proud person and I don't like to admit when things aren't going well for me and I felt like everybody was judging me for it.
I made the decision to become self employed, I know a lot of people question what my job is and quite honestly it does grate on me that people feel like it is any of their business but there you go I do work and I work very hard. What I do with my time and money is my choice, I wasn't well enough to move to London and get a photographic job like I so desperately wanted and I finally realised that it was ok. The only person that my illness affects is me and once I accepted that I was ill and needed to take some time out to get back on track I felt a million times happier with myself and the decisions I had made. By becoming self employed it meant I was able to put a lot of time into my blog and built it become better and better and I still am doing that and work every single day. It has also given me the time to start something new along with Jenny, something I have wanted ever since my third year of university and now I see it coming together in front of my eyes. To work together on something we both absolutely love helps us both, we both have lifetime illnesses and have the exact same career goal but whilst we are both poorly we have to take things a little slower than most.
As much as I love the world of beauty I feel like I have more to say than what my favourite lipstick is at the moment or what I am using on my skin. I am an arts graduate and that will always be my number one love so now I am working on something that is heavily art & design based it is making me much happier than I have been in a good few months. I felt like I had become a little stagnant and loosing touch with creativity, there is nothing better than collaborating and getting into a creative mind set together and work on creating things that are what you want to do most in all the world. I love the blogging community for the most part but I have to be honest I have had enough of the childish behaviour I have seen lately. Openly bitching about people in posts, tweets and videos is downright disgusting, just because you wouldn't do things that way doesn't give you any right to slag it off. I'm 23 soon to be 24 I thought I had seen the last of behaviour when I left school but I was wrong and for the first time it has made me not want to be involved in an area that acts in this fashion. No I am not going to stop blogging as I do adore it but his behaviour has really bothered me and see it in a completely different light. This is why I am so happy that what Jenny & I will be releasing in April will be stepping away from the blogging community slightly and going into more of an arts based area. I needed that balance where I wasn't so consumed in it, props to people who are but this level of underlying bitchyness is not for me.
The last couple of weeks my health has dipped again and between the constant nausea, dizzy spells, exhaustion, lack of appetite and agonising stomach ache so I have been really struggling day to day. Some days getting out of bed and getting dressed are a big achievement for me as my body is working even harder than usual, on the outside I look like a completely normal young adult but on the inside my body is a real mess. I never realised how much I would miss my digestive system functioning but believe me I would do anything to just have one day where I didn't think about my stomach and how much it hurts. Now were getting into those warmer months again it means I can take off my tights, putting any pressure onto my stomach is agony it makes me feel physically sick. I have been really pushing myself to wear jeans lately and I have managed to a few days I hate my body rules my life so much but it does at least for the mean time anyway but bring on summer dress weather. Throughout these last few weeks I have realised just how much support I get my family, best friend, Jen and my boyfriend. Though my relationship is kept quiet on social media it plays a huge role in everyday life, I never thought I would be so lucky to have the boyfriend that I do now. Even though he leaves to go and work on Warped Tour in a couple of months (so jealous you wouldn't believe) just because we won't be in the same country anymore our feelings toward our relationship won't alter.
This post is a lot different to what I usually write about but I wanted to be honest about how I had been feeling lately and things that had been going on. Even from being a little more open on Twitter I have been able to talk to other people about what they are going through and talking about it with somebody who is going through something similar can really help. Also I apologise if it a little rambly.