Let's Talk: Feeling A Little Lost & Seriously Uninspired
During the June monsoon (my nickname for the last 10 days of horrific weather) my mental health very quickly plummeted. It probably wasn’t entirely the weather's fault but it certainly didn’t help matters for me and a lot of feelings came bubbling to the surface. Feeling uninspired is something that I hate, I’m so incredibly fortunate to have a creative job that so many people would absolutely love to have so when I’m not making the most of it then I feel like a terrible human. Then there is the sense of being a little lost in life right now, a feeling that I had when I first graduated and it’s not something that I’ve felt for an awfully long time and when I realised that’s what was going on it shocked me. After all, I have a job that I adore and know where I want to be headed, I live with my boyfriend and our two little sighthounds and generally, I feel like my life is in a good place but for some reason, something still didn’t feel right. So, I’ve spent the past couple of weeks unpacking it all. Which lead me to this post, I’m no stranger to writing posts that can feel like I’m somewhat bearing my soul but admitting you feel lost is typically something that you save for conversations with your nearest and dearest humans. But, I know if I read a post like this then it would 100% make me feel better if I was feeling this way so even though I’d like to think that no-one else feels this way that would be silly so if you are then I hope this helps somewhat.
Whenever I feel any sort of uncomfortable emotion then I always try and unpack why I’m feeling that way and what’s bought it on. As I said, we’ve had some seriously foul weather in the UK and if there is one thing my brain never responds well to it’s waking up to rain and grey skies every single day. On top of that, my little blue whippet Edie had just had her spay operation so she was resting and I was constantly on watch to make sure she hadn’t strained herself and wasn’t disturbing her wound. I knew I was going to have to be inside a little more than I usually am whilst she recovered but the rain made it pretty much impossible to get out with Josie. I never knew how much I relied on my daily dog walks to make me feel ready to take on the day until now.
As well as the bad weather there are some big decisions being made in our household that will change both mine and my boyfriend's life. The conversation of permanent job contracts, moving house, mortgages and having children were coming up almost daily and they’re seriously emotional and stressful things to discuss in detail. On the surface that those all sound great but once you get into the nitty and gritty of them all then they can be tough. If you’re familiar with my story and this blog then you might know that for the past 5 years that my boyfriend was a touring musician and spent an average of 10 months away from home. So when he made the decision that he was coming to the end of his time touring it was weirdly hard on both of us. I’d got so used to him coming and going and it worked well for us, we really embraced the long distance thing as we knew it wasn’t forever and I seriously enjoyed having that much time to throw myself into work and be selfish with my time. When we finally moved in together in the summer of 2017 the dynamic of our relationship changed so much as even though he was still touring it was much less than ever before. We weren’t used to spending so much time together and I found moving away from my dad difficult, even though I only live 6ish miles away. Not seeing him daily and saying goodbye to my old routine that I loved so much took its toll on me. There have been so many changes to our lives in the past two years and change isn’t something my mental health copes well with, I don’t find it exciting infact it riddles me with anxiety and I can often find myself spiralling and turning to OCD rituals which aren’t a positive thing. So the fact that there are more on the horizon has definitely left me with a sense of uneasiness and seriously unsettled and as I thrive on routine and rely on it a little too much it can be tough. My brain desperately wants to have a routine that doesn’t change that much but I know that just isn’t how life works and realising that has certainly helped as now I can make the right steps to try and make things feel a little easier.
And as much as I wish feeling like this hasn’t affected my work it has, I’ve still completed the jobs that I needed to but the things that I create for fun and just because I want to have suffered. Which is why posts have been a little sporadic as of late, and that isn’t something I like doing as even though I work for myself that doesn’t mean it’s ok to just duck out every-time I feel a bit crap mentally. When I finally pinpointed all the things that I was struggling with when it came to routine one of them was not being on top of this internet space. For years I was always a week minimum ahead of my posting schedule and that system worked beautifully, but for a good year or so I’ve not even been a day ahead which I don’t like. I hate rushing things if I can help it so I’ve spent the last week getting back ahead. By doing this not only do I feel better mentally but the things I'm creating are better and it ultimately gives me more time to work on other projects.
how i’m trying to find my way and get inspired once again
Something that certainly isn’t on tap for us to drink from whenever we like is inspiration. And I know that whenever you go looking inspiration then you will never find it no matter how many aesthetically pleasing quotes you read on Pinterest. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt a little uninspired and I doubt it’s the last either as if you do anything remotely creative then it’s hard to keep those juices flowing all of the time. As I said earlier, when I moved in my boyfriend I felt like I had to say goodbye to my old routine altogether as my life was undoubtedly going to be different. Which was somewhat stupid of me, of course, my life was going to change and my responsibilities were going to be different but that didn’t mean I should have stopped doing everything I usually did. For the past week or so I’ve been slowly picking up old routines that I used to do and I’ve felt so much better for it, it’s the smallest of things but they’ve made such a difference already. For me, one of the biggest thing that helps me stay inspired is just living my day to day life as this entire blog is based on everyday thoughts and feelings. Whether that be about mental health or what cleanser I’m really enjoying at the moment, it’s not a diary but right from the beginning, it’s been a place for what’s going on in my brain at the moment.
Something that has been adding to my sense of being lost is Instagram, an app that caused me a lot of turmoil in the past two years. I can’t even bring myself to write my usual annoyances because I think we all know what they are as undoubtedly you probably feel the same way as I do. I finally realised something that is causing me so much heartache with it and that is the fact I’ve got a serious case of comparisonitis. Even though I love the people I follow and it’s in no way a reflection of them I think it’s more Instagram culture itself. Not feeling good enough is an awful way to feel but I can’t deny that’s where I’ve been with the platform and social media in general. There are so many things that I enjoy like being outside, house plants, beauty, interiors, my dogs, books, style, mindfulness & consumerism but because my account doesn’t just focus on one thing it’s left me feeling like I’m just not good enough at one thing and I need to hone in on a niche more. Which I already know people are nodding their head at me thinking that’s ridiculous and even I know it is but so many accounts I love are just one thing which makes me worry if I ever want to see growth on that platform again then that’s what I need to do. And because I feel that way it’s made me hide away from the app entirely, well my From Roses profile more than anything as I still spend a lot of time on @theadventuresofjosieandedie. As there’s no way an account for dogs could ever make me sad and the sighthound community are incredible and always lift my spirits.
As daft as it might sound I feel like the past couple of weeks I’ve been having the teeniest tiniest ‘I’m nearly 30 crisis’. Even though I’m not freaked out about turning 30 in the slightest I think because I know there are going to be so many changes in my life in the next couple of years that’s what is making me feel so on edge and panicked. And the things that are to come are really good exciting things but when you’re a perpetually anxious and worried human it always makes these things a little interesting to handle. I know that the internet can always give me the impression that people completely have their shit together and are gliding through huge changes without any worry in the world but it’s not true so I hope this post has served as a little reminder that it really is ok to feel a little lost sometimes.