A Ramble & A Thank You
There is something I have wanted to write about for nearly a year now on my blog and just never done but I finally thought it was a bout time. Its coming up to August now and for me this means one thing its going to be 4 years since I lost my Mum.
You can probably tell this isn't going to be a beauty infused post its the complete opposite. I have come realise I am an incredibly private person I don't share much about my personal life through social networks or even on here. There is no rhyme or reason behind this I just dont and because of this people seem to have an illusion that I have this perfect life because of what I share on Instagram, Twitter and on here. Believe me if my life was in fact a dreamy white wonderland filled to the brim of amazing beauty purchases and other things that give me great pleasure I would think I was living in a dream world. Its an age old saying but you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover things are never how they seem. Its very easy to make a snap judgement about what we see through social networks and come on we all do it its human nature.
However I am getting of track this isn't what I set out to write about in this post but I suppose it seems fitting. Now it has crept up to 4 years since I lost my Mum I can't quite believe how much has happened and how different my life is now from what I ever imagined it to be. Although I dont think my Mum would be too impressed with some of the decisions I have made (getting tattooed mainly and the boys I have dated) I hope she would be proud of how well I did at university as well as other achievements. But the main thing that has drastically changed in the past four years is my attitude and how I have learnt to deal with certain situations. This lately has really had a big affect on my life I used to be such a walk over with people I would avoid conflict even though this meant I was getting treated like utter crap. Now its the complete opposite I will not stand for anything and in a lot of situations this has made me look like a cold hearted person but quite frankly I could not care less. Now I could shame a lot of people to a pretty large audience right now but I wont those people know who they are and as a huge believer of fate they will get what they deserve.
Losing a parent at any age is devastating but I was 19 when I lost my mum and she was only 44 which is no age to die. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through I really dont think anything will ever come close to that kind of pain. I have mentioned this before but I started university just two weeks after we lost her and the fact that I didn't drop out after the first day is a miracle within its self aided by the fact that my boyfriend at the time decided that would be a good day to break up with me. If you know anybody who has lost a parent at a young age you will probably know that that are particular days that come around that are always incredibly difficult for me its Mothers Day without a doubt. This is now my most hated day on the calendar because there is no escaping it walking around town and seeing it plastered everywhere is just a giant reminder of how that person isn't there anymore. Of course every year it gets easier and for the last two years of university Mothers day became 'Rebecca is awesome day' thanks to my old boyfriend Sam who knew just how much it bothered me so he went out his way to avoid everything Mothers day related which is incredibly kind as of course he had his own parent to think about.
The whole reason for this post is because lately I have realised how far I have come since that point in my life. Although my life is 100% not in the place I thought it would be but I now know that its ok not to have everything figured out at the age of 23. Being unwell threw a huge spanner in the works for me and it has taken me a long time to just accept the fact that my life has to change now. There is an immense amount of pressure on young people today we have a career path drilled into our head from the moment we start school. I used to have pretty much my life planned out and in the space of a year it has become the complete opposite. Now nothing in my life is planned because one it cant be anymore but why would I want to plan my life? Learning to just take a step back and letting life run its course has made me incredibly happy. I think a lot of people expect me to upset about what has happened lately and on Thursday I found out that not only do I have a lifelong disease I have two aspects of it and it has caused my digestive system to pretty much shut down and become so slow it may as well not work. Yesterday I realised if you didn't try and find the positives in every situation there would be no point of being alive. Now dont let me have you fooled I never used to have this outlook I used to whine about completely stupid things and was deeply unhappy because of it I used to concentrate on such silly things. I am a firm believer of things happening for a reason and if I had never lost my mum I would never be the person I am now and for the first time in my life I can happily say I am truly happy with the person I have become and the place I am in right now.
I had quite a lot of fun scanning in some old family photos to show you guys I think its easy to see who I take after in my family.Although I never realised how fair haired I was as a child as in my first photograph I have a full head of dark hair. In such an odd way I really love the fact I look so much like my Mum now and my Dad says I have taken after her in a lot of personality traits. Although he did say its like her still being around I think deep down hes glad too. Maybe not when I'm shouting at him for putting too much salt on his food which I know is definitely something my Mum did and he hated it then let a lone now his daughter is doing the exact same thing. I am really lucky to have the support of my Dad and my older sister Sarah I would be nowhere without them.
Obviously the last picture isn't an old one it was the beginning of this year I think and next to me is my best friend Anne. I dont think I have mentioned her much on here believe me she is one of the biggest parts of my life. She may kill me for writing this but I love this girl more than most things maybe as much as my dog and believe me thats a lot. I am so lucky to have a friend like her she's basically my right arm and good friends are hard to find. Having known her for nearly 15 years its safe to say she knows all my secrets and has seen me go through absolutely everything especially this year. She has supported me through some real shitty break ups and my health go to absolute crap. Not only do I have her support I also have the support of her Mum too which to me is a huge thing. I dont know what I would do without either of them I would be completely lost I generally feel sorry for guys who want a relationship with either of us as we are ridiculously protective over each other they dont stand much of a chance.
I think thats enough rambling from me today. I really do hope you guys enjoyed this post as it is really rare for me to anything personal out there and in fact I am pretty nervous about publishing this. So lets hope you did enjoy this you will have to let me know :)